Golf on TV is dumb
June 27, 2023


Don’t look at me that way. My Dad was a golfer. He was pretty good too – Junior PGA or something. But, back in the day, being a pro golfer was kinda like touring with your band and living out of the van. I think it’s probably still like that until Titleist shows up and sponsors you.

Anyway, Dad was really good at the golf. Me, not so much. I could always hit the ball ok, but the whole “be the ball” thing didn’t rub off on me. I did like driving the cart with the beer.

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So, this past Father’s Day got me thinking about Dad and golf and how stupid golf is on TV. On the weekends, after Dad had played a few rounds, he would come home and sit back in his big chair with a bag of M&M’s (peanut) and *watch* golf on TV. That is to say he would sleep, with the announcers speaking in hushed tones about some 318 foot sand trap that was the scourge of the PGA, and that they still hadn’t found the body of some golfer who shanked their Titleist into the trap and foolishly went in, in an attempt to “play it as it lays.”

They always sounded so sincere, with just the slightest edge of giddiness in their voices. I hadn’t thought of it until right now, but maybe Dad found their hushed tones soothing, and it helped him drop off to sleep. I might have to try an audiobook of “Greatest Announcer Moments in TV Golf.” Maybe it’ll help me finally fall asleep.

So Dad’s *watching* golf with his bag of M&M’s, and at the same time there’s an awesome movie like “The Shadow Thing” or “Dracula’s Lives” or “Space People Eat Your Brain” on another channel, that I really, really wanna watch. I mean, you can see how those movies have influenced my work, right?

So… unlike today, there was only one TV set in the house. ONE. I didn’t say that was good or bad, but it did mean you had to learn the art of negotiation and compromise. If you did not learn to make your case for the merits of Batman over say, Gilligan’s Island, while trading two nights of Magnum PI for one night of Duke’s of Hazard, you were doomed to forever watch those knuckleheads on their three hour tour instead of fighting crime.

I think maybe we should put all the politicians in a room with one TV. That’s as political as I’m gonna get. But just sayin’.

So, after about the fourteenth time some dude tees off and the cameraman points the camera into the sky and… nothing… you can’t see the ball in the sky. No one can see the ball in the sky. It’s a tiny ball. No one can see it! The guy just points the camera into the air and the announcers say something in their giddy hushed voices, and you wait… forever… for that damn ball to hit the ground. Hopefully in the 318 foot sand trap, cuz then at least things could get interesting.

So, after fourteen of these tee offs, you think, “He’s asleep. He’ll never know. I just sneak over there and turn the aliens on really low, and it’s a win for everyone. Dad naps, and I get the monsters.”

See, it’s a win for everybody. Negotiation at work.

So I sneak. I change the channel. I see aliens, and my father’s voice immediately fills the room. “I was watching that.”

Busted. The next 15 minutes consist of a “negotiation” you know you’re gonna loose about how the alien monster movie is a rarely seen classic, and he was so *not* watching it. He was asleep. But you know it’s over.

It’s kinda like what happens in our shows. Not the Dad forcing you to watch golf while he sleeps part, the you can’t see the ball in the air part. (I’m shocked. Seriously. I had no idea how I was gonna tie this back to the shows, but here we are. It’s kinda magical, huh?).

Sure, it was dumb when that cameraman pointed his camera into the sky, but… you were filled with a sense of anticipation. Where’s that ball gonna land. The 318 foot sand trap of death? Will it be a hole in one? Maybe it’ll nail one of the spectators.

That’s the cool thing about our live shows. That show. That night. That performance. It’s only ever gonna happen that way one time. Now. Here. In the moment.

That’s the magic. The sand trap or hole in one are both awesome, but… it’s the anticipation you feel when you can’t see the ball that gets you all tingly. That’s why we make live shows, and it’s why we love sharing them with you.

Dude, is that a Titleist and what’s in it for me?
Play it where it lays.

Bottomline it for me
– “Beware the Sand Trap” would make a pretty awesome monster movie.
– If there wasn’t beer, would people play golf?
– “Greatest Announcer Moments in TV Golf” has really helped me fall asleep.
– 435 people. One room. One TV. Just sayin’.
– I don’t care if you have a 4K TV. You still can’t see that damn ball.

That’s it, I’m not gonna get all mushy.

See ya ~ Kevin

p.s. The website always shoots under 73. The socials like driving the cart with the beer.

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