The Latest Hijinx

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Celebrate National “Make Your Bed Day” with Us 🙄

Celebrate National “Make Your Bed Day” with Us 🙄

Don't 'cha just love September? It's filled to the brim with all my favorite holidays. National Pepperoni Pizza Day, National Beer Lovers Day, National Pot Pie Day, National Coffee Day (mmm coffee) and my most favorite of all National Make Your Bed Day. Now, I do not...

Wanna come over and see my new sewer pipe?

Wanna come over and see my new sewer pipe?

Our house in Los Angeles was built in 1926 on what was once the edge of an orange grove, where you had to take two trolley cars just to get close enough to where you could walk the rest of the way. Today it's the best cut-through street to the airport, and everyone...

Why the hell else would you be on the mailing list? 😱

Why the hell else would you be on the mailing list? 😱

Look, uh... I'll just come right out and say it. I'm a little embarrassed. I know I should have asked before now, but you know, we're hanging out, having a jolly old time, and I'm eating all your potato chips and what I hope was guacamole that I found in the fridge....

Why this may not be for you 🤨

Don’t get me wrong, I’m glad you’re here at all. I'm not gonna get all mushy, and you can forget about the hugging, but it's cool that you wanna strap in with us and take this crazy ride. But some things just aren’t for everybody. We stopped at a restaurant on our way...

Why the hell are they called Flip Flops?

Why the hell are they called Flip Flops?

Look. Most people think Flip Flops are called Flip Flops because of the sound they make when you walk.🙄 What a maroon. As usual, I'm going to give you the real, bar beat winning 411 AND help you save money! Flip Flops are called Flip Flops because they were invented...

Dope as F***

Dope as F***

Look. I didn’t say that (this time). Yes, I do have a mouth like a sailor. And yes, many sailors are a little embarrassed to hang with me. But... our Psychedelic Flip Flops and the 20% OFF we're giving, does have everyone's tongue wagging. Our AliƧin Psychedelic Flip...

I saw you checking me out 🏝️🩴

I saw you checking me out 🏝️🩴

Don’t be embarrassed. I saw you checking me out. Which is cool. Only you were checking out my feet. Which is weird, until I remembered I was wearing these. Our very super sexy and crazy trippy Psychedelic Flip-Flops. They are insanely cool and they’re about the only...

I told you to wear sunscreen! ☀️🧴🥵 🔥 🫠

I told you to wear sunscreen! ☀️🧴🥵 🔥 🫠

It’s Sunday and I’m looking out at a little Marina in Virginia. Deltaville to be exact. It’s 95 degrees out but feels like 103, and it’s only 9am. It’s hot. Officially, the technical term is Freaking Hot (there’s another technical term, but this is a family friendly...

Topher and the Multiverse Backyard Adventure

Topher and the Multiverse Backyard Adventure

I have no idea what that means. I've been lying in bed for the past two hours trying to go to sleep while "Rhapsody in Blue" bangs away in my head because Victoria was on hold for an hour waiting to talk to United about our lost luggage. Our luggage is now apparently...

Making Love to the ChatBot, Part Deux

Making Love to the ChatBot, Part Deux

Episode 2. Look, I promise not to do that annoying thing Star Wars did when they renumbered all the episodes, and Episode 1, suddenly became Episode 4 (or whatever), and then they changed the names, so you never really know what the hell you're watching until you see...

Making Love to the ChatBot, Part 1

Making Love to the ChatBot, Part 1

We just got back from LA. A company building a bunch of new venues heard about us, and asked us to come out and make a big pitch. We prepared, we rehearsed, we had an awesome deck (that we threw up on the big screen from the iPad - very slick) and a mind-blowing video...

Golf on TV is dumb

Golf on TV is dumb

Don't look at me that way. My Dad was a golfer. He was pretty good too - Junior PGA or something. But, back in the day, being a pro golfer was kinda like touring with your band and living out of the van. I think it's probably still like that until Titleist shows up...

Please do not tell people how crappy my teeth are

Please do not tell people how crappy my teeth are

That’s an actual x-ray of my teeth. If you know anything about dentistry, please keep it to yourself and do not tell the other’s how crappy my teeth are.  I had to have a root canal done recently. Now, if you’re of a certain age, you may be surprised to know that one...

I’m writing this at 36,004 feet

I’m writing this at 36,004 feet

I’m writing this at 36,004 feet. I looked it up for you on my little screen. So, this may sound loftier then my usual missives. Most likely it will sound exactly like when I write at sea level, but you can hope for the best. Getting high. So what am I gonna do with...

“Write what you know” is a terrible idea

“Write what you know” is a terrible idea

Write what you know. That’s what all those people making a living giving other people advice say. “Write what you know.” That’s terrible advice and if your new online course with the latest advice guy tells you to do that, ask for your $29.95 a month back. Don't like...

Q: What sorts of opera are there? A: Who cares?

Q: What sorts of opera are there? A: Who cares?

“Well, basically there are two sorts of opera," said Nanny, who also had the true witch's ability to be confidently expert on the basis of no experience whatsoever. "There's your heavy opera, where basically people sing foreign and it goes like "Oh oh oh, I am dyin',...

Are you a weirdo?

Are you a weirdo?

Are you a weirdo? How about a music nerd? Maybe a movie geek. How about a comic book fan? And do you know way too much about the entire family of everyone on Star Trek or The Witcher? Thought so. That's cool. That's why we started this thing. I got tired of eating...

4,000 of ’em in your Insta Feed

4,000 of ’em in your Insta Feed

I swear. Just that one time. That's it. That's all I did. Now I get fed 472 of these things every day! Don't like to read? Victoria reads this email to you! https://youtu.be/_jnL-3gCYzw Reels on Instagram. We do "the Reels". The kids love 'em. So, now I gotta make the...

Why do you hate mimes?

Why do you hate mimes?

Okay, just kidding. I know why you hate mimes. I just wanted my email to look interesting in your inbox. I see the usual 20% off stuff in there, and that invite to your class reunion I can't even believe you're thinking about going to, but mimes are French and they're...

So, what do you get out of this? 

So, what do you get out of this? 

I get it. Other than the unbridled joy you feel going to your inbox every Wednesday, and the lavish gifts that again, are found in your inbox on many Wednesdays, and the knowledge that if you've had an exhausting day on the world wide web, or if someone doesn't...

Who the hell would want to upset Dolly Parton?!

Who the hell would want to upset Dolly Parton?!

We made fun of Stuart the first day he went to work at the bank. Stuart's my brother. He's not really my brother, but he's my brother because he and his brother Scott and I were inseparable growing up, and, it's a long story... but just go with me when I say Stuart's...

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