Tchaikovsky, Danny Elfman, Frank Zappa and Wile E. Coyote walk into a bar. You have to admit that’s a pretty great opening line. You’re thinking, “Great, Kevin’s gonna tell us a joke, and it’s probably got something to do with an Acme anvil falling on somebody’s head and maybe Zappa says something like “What’s the difference between a banjo and an onion, and Tchaikovsky says, “Nobody cries when you chop up a banjo.”… you’d be wrong. I got nothing.

I figure it’s about time you earned your keep around here, so *you* gotta come up with the rest of this joke. Don’t look at me that way. I’ll finish this email and you send me your joke. I’ll even put ’em in the next email. It’ll be hi-larious, and I’ll even sweeten the deal with some free stuff. Yep, you get stuff for free just for entering a joke.

And it doesn’t even have to be any good. It’s better if it’s good, but if you can do something with that opening line, then you deserve something free.

Oh, and if you can work in “What’s the difference between a Wagnerian soprano and a baby elephant?” ** (see below:), then you are our instant winner.

Don’t like to read? Victoria reads this email to you!

So, unlike the guitar player that only knows two chords (you call them music critics), Tchaikovsky, Danny Elfman, Frank Zappa, along with Primus, Dirty Projectors, the Carmina Burana guy, Björk, Jonny Greenwood and Mozart, all knew a whole bunch more chords. I also just realized I gotta put some more female examples in here.

Hildegard von Bingen was awesome and my friend Cindy Shapiro, who is an amazing composer, is writing an opera about her. And Fanny Mendelssohn, Felix’ sister, was a kick ass writer, as is Anne Dudley from Art of Noise, and Rachel Portman and my other friend Christy Crowl, and of course Björk (who I mentioned), and Dirty Projectors has lots of women in the band, and my friend Shae Langford, who is a crazy awesome singer, songwriter and can shred the hell out of a guitar. Female songwriters and composers kick ass and I’ll do better to include more in my lists going forward.

Okay, so all joking aside Kevin, what’s all this about? Why are you listing all these composer people and who gives a crap?

To which I say, “You do.” Cuz like me, you’re a music weirdo, and the only other person in the movie theater that’s shushing everybody around them, because they just can’t wait until the closing credits are over before they call everyone they know and tell them, in a really loud voice, how much they loved, hated, cried or wasted their freaking money on this particular picture.

It’s annoying and I know it sounds a little like I’m yelling “Get off my lawn”, but I don’t like that either, which is weird, cuz I live in an apartment in New York City, and I think that that’s really more about just being able to get away with yelling when you get older cuz no one pays any attention to it cuz they think, “Oh, he’s just old and yells a lot.”

But it is annoying, because after whatever song they’ve gotten some superstar to perform, which is only ever just “okay”, they play a cool medley of all the stuff you could only hear bits and pieces of over the car crashes and laser beam sound effects during the movie. And it’s beautiful. Even when it’s just underscoring the names of the third assistant model maker and the guy that cooked breakfast, and the accountant and the folks that grip and gaff stuff, it’s beautiful.

That’s why sometimes we just set up under the movie screen and play our songs and scores to the movie. We tell the stories with just pictures and music. It’s pretty damn magical. Your brain doesn’t get in the way, and you’re not “thinking” about what’s going on. You’re just “feeling” it.

And… because no one’s talking, the people around you forget to stand up and start yelling at the people on their phones about how much they loved, hated, cried or wasted their freaking money on this particular picture.

Wait, that didn’t come out right.

Anyway, lots of benefits here. New music, kick-ass band, amazing singers and a very cool movie, all working together to bring you a freaking great time. Some say life-changing. Just sayin’.

Dude, what’s the difference between a bass and a cello, and what’s in it for me?
A bass burns longer.

Bottomline it for me
– Tchaikovsky, Danny Elfman, Frank Zappa and Wile E. Coyote walk into a bar
– Write a joke
– Get free stuff
– Women composers, songwriters and shredding guitar players rock
– Music, band, singers, movie = life changing
– ** Eleven pounds.

That’s it, I’m not gonna get all mushy.

See ya ~ Kevin

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