The Queen sucks at gardening ??
May 18, 2022


Off with the heads


The Queen sucks at gardening. It’s true and she’s very sensitive about it. How do you think the whole “Off with their heads!” thing got started?

Well, it started with daisies. Who doesn’t like daisies? The Queen liked daisies and, this isn’t something you hear much within earshot of Her Highness, she originally wanted to be The Daisy Queen. Strikes fear doesn’t it?

She was painting the castle all yellow and white, had all her royal dresses made in yellow and white, and even got all her social media handles to match – @herroyalnessthedaisyqueen. There was gonna be trouble with this anyway, cuz Dairy Queen was a little uncomfortable with it and had sent a cease and desist letter.

Anyway, The Queen planned out her massive gardens, with beds for yellow flowers and beds for white flowers and beds for yellow and white flowers, then… it all went terribly wrong.

On that fateful day, Her Highness walked royaly into Gary’s Ye Olde Garden Shoppe talking about daisies, daisies and more daisies. She then proceeded to walk up to an unmarked bin of seeds and commanded, “Send all of these to the castle. At once!”

They like the colors.

Of course Gary was a little freaked because The Queen had just selected a bunch of rose seeds. But, she’s the Queen. Are you going to tell her? Not bloody likely.

So Gary sends all the rose seeds to the castle and the Royal Gardeners plant all the seeds in the Royal Garden.

A few months, and many sleepless nights later, Gary goes to The Queen and tells her what’s happened.

That’s when the “Off with their heads!” thing got real. I liked Gary.

But being The Queen means you can never be wrong, so she doubled down and completely changed the design of the castle, replaced her wardrobe and even got the social handle @itsredoritsdead.

Only, there was a slight hiccup. Spring came and all the roses were… white. The Queen had not bothered to learn that roses actually come in a bunch of colors. She really sucks at gardening and research.

Don’t like to read? No problem. Click the video and hear Victoria read to you.

Well… heads rolled that day I can tell you.

But, she’s The Queen. And she has resources. So the Card Soldiers were handed cans of red paint and brushes and, you know the rest.

And this is important why? It’s important because when you go on The Ultimate AliƧin Wonderland Tour of the Royal Gardens, you can still see a few daisies carved in the garden walls.

And… you’ll have the good sense NOT to say anything about them, and will be able to sit back and watch the Card Soldiers carry off some other dope who said the “D” word.

Life saving tips. Now aren’t you glad to get this email every week?

Dude, are those for me? What’s in it for me?

Uh… yeah. You like daisies, right?

Bottomline it for me

  • The Ultimate AliƧin Wonderland Tour. icksnay on the aisyday
  • It’s good to be Queen
  • It sucks being a Card Soldier
  • The website is available
  • We think an anger management course would help Her Majesty
  • No… YOU tell her

That’s it. I’m not gonna get all mushy.

See ya’ ~ Kevin

p.s. The website has a lovely rose garden. The socials make you pull weeds.



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