I have to admit when I saw the white smoke floating out of the chimney I was ready to yank off my football shaped hat and spike it into the communion plate. I had a really good name picked out too. POPEPOP – it’s dope and it’s a palindrome. I would have been both the first American Pope and the first Pope with a palindrome name.

But, it wasn’t meant to be. Somebody said it had something to do with me not being Catholic, or with how much I swear (which is admittedly, a lot) or my two previous marriages, or maybe being married, like at all. I forget.

But, I was a little busy with our shows here in Los Angeles, and I probably didn’t campaign as much as I should have. And I probably should have at least made the effort to go to Rome, and yes even though that priest cut me off in traffic, I probably should not have flipped him off and called him… that.

Maybe I should have had AI make a picture of me dressed as the Pope. You know, so people could visualize it. Nah…

But I was still disappointed when, after I saw the white smoke, they called out that dude’s name from Chicago. But Chicago’s cool and Leo is a cool name and he doesn’t swear (although he has himself one sharp tongue) and I don’t really want to live in Rome anyway.

So, I’m disappointed to not have been elected, but it all kind of worked out, cuz now I have time to keep doing our live shows which, I gotta say, were SUPER fun and INCREDIBLY well received!

God works in mysterious ways.

Look, I’d love to stay and chat, but I gotta get back to editing the video from these last shows, and AI still has not captured the right facial expression on my Pope picture. The robes look great, but I’m going for that “wise with a little mischief in his eyes” thing, and I want my eyes to follow you no matter what direction you move the photo in. I’m finding that AI basically kind of sucks at that.

• Got someplace cool we should play? Send it over.
• Got any ideas on what I should do with all these POPEPOP bumper stickers? Lemme know.
• And I wish I’d waited before getting POPEPOP  tattooed on my back. Having that removed is gonna be a bitch.

That’s it. I’m not gonna get all mushy.

See ya ~ PopeP… uh, Kevin

p.s. The website is serving cocktails in the confessional. The socials are convinced the church is gonna serve green beer instead of wine on St. Patricks’ Day.